All Hallow's Eve

the end of October, eh? yea. so i guess i've been west for a couple months already, my how time passes.. i've been feeling a little anxious lately, i can't put a finger on it exactly but i suppose it's a lot of things. the chaos and fear of the unknown are both unsettling yet comforting.

at times when i start to feel a little overwhelmed i have to stop and remind myself that i am blessed. no matter what happens. even the things that hurt are lessons.. maybe even especially. i'm grateful for my 'luck' so far on this mission, even though i'm not sure what all this mission should entail. i suppose survival is the name of the game right now, on more than just a general level.

something kind of eerie happened a few nights ago that had slipped my mind until it happened again last night. i came home and put my key in the main door, and as soon as i did it felt like someone was turning the knob and pulling it open from the inside. not so unreasonable considering there's usually a few people living here at a time, so i just let the door go and it swung open. the lights were off and no one was in the kitchen.

the same thing again when i came back last night, and i had forgotten about the last time, it was just so very strange. and again comforting somehow.. as if the house itself was welcoming me home. i'll just take it as a sign that i'm to be here where i'm at, and that maybe i should stop worrying so much. i am home.

water shelter food warmth love. all accessible. blessed.

alright now, back to reality. gotta go work my first day shift in a couple weeks before flipping back to nights tomorrow. i don't mind, at least it allows me to maintain somewhat of a social life. make a lunch, pack my bag, and hit the streets. it is time. onward..

10.27.14

the air was crisp and cool this morning on my walk down to the park. i've made it a sort of ritual to go meandering through the alleyways to eventually end up at a bench in a park at the edge of a baseball field that overlooks the entire city. no panoramic photograph could possibly capture what i feel when i sit there. how small, how free..

i purposely walk a little further south than i have to just so that i can walk back north towards the mountains and the rest of the city. it still takes my breath away when i walk along the ridgeway and come to cross a street that gives berth to an incredible view. yesterday when there was a break in the clouds i could see the very tip top of the tallest mountain in view was gently brushed with snow. soon enough they'll all have snow caps of their own.

this is what i came here for. i don't always remember that when i'm feeling suddenly alone. i came here to find my breath, to find my space, to meet myself again. to take a minute to grieve.. to get some of this weight up off my chest. i came here to get away from all of the distractions i had collected and created for myself, all of the things and people and situations i had surrounded myself with to keep me occupied. i just need a long, long moment..

i've had a chance to sort of feel out what i really need now that i've had a moment to separate myself from everything i've been holding on to. life is simple, or at least i'm doing my best to keep it that way. my recent obsession with 'tiny homes' and various styles of miniature dwellings has afforded me a joy i may have never had otherwise for the little space i am currently calling home. tiny it is indeed, but it's perfect for just me.

there's a bed, a dresser, a desk for my laptop and a table lamp. the headboard holds my books, and there's still lots of room for the ones i plan to bring back from home. since space here is limited i don't need to feel like everything i left back home has to come with me here. just the criticals. and my opinion of what exactly is critical changes on the daily. sometimes i think i'd still be content if i never went back. sometimes though, i really miss my creature comforts. there's a couple hoodies i've been longing for, and my hats. always with the hats. there's some people too, but it's gonna mean a lot more than cramming them in a suitcase to get them here. maybe some other time.

the next few months will come and go as quickly as the last few have i'm sure, so i've been somewhat trying to plan out how i will utilize my time off, and what exactly i need to get done when i go home. the bus ride consumes over three days in each direction, and i've been batting around the idea of making two trips. that'd work out to over two weeks of solid bus time out of the six or so i have set aside to get everything done.

if i do manage the two trips idea, it'd cut back on idle time, and at the same time force me to sit still, and maybe even meet a few more people. on the trip west one of the girls i'd met was on her way back from doing one steady back-and-forth trip, pretty much a week straight on a bus. she looked about done with it come the final day, and i wondered if i'd have the strength to do it myself. i suppose time will tell. i'd likely take a few days in between each direction to recuperate and sleep horizontally in an actual bed. something that feels incredibly godly after any amount of overnights on a coach bus.

ah well. that's about all i've got for now. these are the things that have been cycling around my brain while i slow mosey around the city. work again tonight, maybe i'll squeeze a nap or a movie in before shift. books are cool too. thank god for paperbacks..

raincouver

i suppose it could be the weather.. i've never really been one to complain about the rain. makes sense though, grey skies forever can take it's toll on the soul. been feeling a little better the past couple days, good company and a pretty awesome ska show may have been a help. the night shift has put an interesting spin on things as well. i wonder how long that will last..

now that most of the pressing matters are settling like finding a source of income and a place to lay my head, other things that i haven't taken the time to deal with are floating to the surface. i've never missed my mother so much.. sometimes i still pull out my phone to call her when something crazy or new happens and then.. yea. but most of the time i'm confident she can hear me. i blame my happy coincidences and lucky windfalls on her. she must be lookin out for me from somewhere, because i don't think i could luck out so much on my own.

not that i don't appreciate having a warm place to stay, but the cool and constant rain makes it that much more appealing. my perspective on needs and what is important to be comfortable has shifted once again. twenties me was perfectly content with not much more than a tent for shelter, but these days having just a tiny cozy room with a reading lamp, space heater and someplace to keep books and dry clothes is heavenly. i think i'll enjoy this for a while.

the job too. i know i complain sometimes about 'working for the man' but there's always a benefit besides the money. it keeps my mind busy, gives me something to focus on besides my crazy life. meeting new people is pretty cool too. there's a comfortable level of social interaction that comes with my particular job, dealing mostly with truck drivers and vendor reps, no customers involved. thus trucker mouth is perfectly acceptable and i get to be myself. not having the routine for a few months allowed me the space to appreciate having some outside force keeping me to a schedule. it encourages me to eat better and make effort to get proper rest. eventually, i might even start to remember what day it is again.. or maybe i'll allow that to be one of those things that never matters. i can't believe it's almost november..

i'm also enjoying the particular neighbourhood that i decided to take up residence in. it's chill, quiet, mostly immigrants that love to grow food. i'm down with that.. already making plans for joining in on the action this coming spring. luckily people who garden love to share, so i'll get some first hand lessons on what to grow in this climate. the sun come spring will be amazing after this long long rain..

until then, umbrellas up, parkas on and enjoy raincouver. makes for some pretty neat mushrooms anyways.. and thank goodness there's lots of live shows and a happening music scene to keepVancity lively. onward.

an attempt at words.

well, here i am again, writing.. it's not always easy to make the words go. i'm not sure how many people actually read this thing, i suppose it doesn't matter. it's for me. but i think i'm afraid sometimes to write things into existence, permanently.. it's one thing to think something, another to say it, and yet another to write it down.

i promised i'd share my story. for whatever reason, people want to hear it. but it's not that easy. mostly i write about the good things, shine a light on positivity and and share my lessons. but i skip the in between. i leave out the real feelings, the fear, the negativity. maybe because i don't like being judged even though i say it doesn't bother me. maybe it's because i don't want to bring anyone down that might read it, to think that the ambassador of positivity has some mighty dark days.

the honest truth is, i'm afraid. i'm not really sure how to explain it. i'm not afraid of death. my death anyways.. i'm more afraid of not living. i have no fucking clue what i'm doing anymore or what i'm in it for, but i'm here. sometimes i have a hard time believing that everything happens for a reason, but i'm beginning to see that everything does happen in it's time. right then, that's when it needed to be. and sometimes that shit hurts and it isn't easy to accept. but it's happening. i can't always be as patient as i'd like to be. maybe that's today's lesson..

stuff and things.

dammit. i'm just horrible at this. i used to write all the time. more so in pen and paper, but my pile of books is getting heavy. speaking of heavy, i'm starting to feel the weight of my decisions. i take full responsibility for all and any of my actions.. including the things i choose to carry. i didn't realize how much i'd been carrying around until my mother passed. and since then, i've taken on more. the history of both of us is stowed away in a storage locker half a world away that i can't afford to hang on to much longer.

i know it's just stuff. for the longest time despite our liking or not for one another at the time, mom was always cool about hanging on to my stuff. i made a habit of never keeping anything of monetary value to reduce the risk of anything getting pawned. once she had settled into the sickness the likelihood of her moving around wasn't so good. my past was safe for years, wrapped in plastic to hold off the smoke clouds, stashed in her walk-in closet.

emptying out her apartment was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. i wasn't ready to let go yet, to her little hand-painted crafts, the dining room table, the dressers she scored somewhere from the seventies that currently hold my winter clothes. so i rented a locker and crammed it all in with my own. in a few months i'll have to go back there and decide what to do with everything.

it's a little overwhelming right now to think of but i have to start thinking. i kept all of the things from my youth that reminded me of better days. that cabinet my dad built me full of beanie toys is probably the least practical thing i've got stashed away, but reminds me of a time i didn't have to care so much about what the hell i'm doing with myself. they're the only things i kept in good condition, i'm considering giving them to some sort of cause like a charity auction or donating them to toys for tots.

just about everything else is a little more personal. photo albums, clothes i've had since i lived outside, the stereo i got my mother for christmas one year that just happened to be her favourite thing in the world [plus all the music my brother and i got her to go with it].. then there's my very own personal library. let's not forget the books, paperbacks i'd had stashed in various places all collected into a huge stand-up shelving unit.. way more than i thought. i might suck it up and make two cross-country trips just to bring back what i can as far as books go. oh yeah and that big black steel trunk. you know, the oldskool looking ones with the copper strapping, covered in various bumper stickers and things my mother wrote on top to remember. it houses artwork from school days of my brother and i, our baby clothes, my mother's rack of collectible spoons. unless i get a vehicle, that thing won't be going very far.

there's totes of memorobilia. not all of it is mine. i have things that were given to me by friends that i held onto dearly, old manual film cameras, jackets, hats, and of course a whole other seasonal set of camping gear. even the tent is full of memories of living outside in as many corners of the country i could have ever hitched to and through. my sky-blue mini dome palace in the trees. things like that i could sell and just get again later if i need them, in the long run it'd be cheaper than paying to store them for months on end.

then there's a bunch of stuff i collected in the few years i became domesticated, workout equipment, art and craft supplies including paints and canvasses, a million different kinds of beads, probably a hundred pounds in half-used sketchbooks and and pieces that somehow survived since highschool. i'm already trying to find homes for things i know i have in my inventory to make the process of purging easier.

i'm not yet sure what i'll do with a few of the criticals. if i try real hard i can probably cut back so that all of my keepers fit into the trunk. if i can find a place to safely store that away in the meantime, it will help put my mind at ease. until then i've got to remember to relax. worrying about what must happen in the future isn't doing me much good now, all i can do is try to plan for it and stay positive. i wish i could have the strength to just let it all go.. but there's some things like the letters my mother held onto, the journals i so carefully made sure never to lose, and the photos of lives long passed that i'd have a hard time forgiving myself for letting go of.

until then i have to figure out how to maintain here in a new place and hold the little life i'm building together. right now my expenses are pushing me beyond my means, there's no budget beyond food and shelter, no room for quality of life leisure spending, not even to save to go home. i'm living on a prayer that the things i'm gearing up for work out in my favour so that i don't dig myself so far into the red it's impossible to recover. when i get home, i'll see what i can sell, salvage and give away to save myself from another year of hanging onto my past four provinces away.

peace in chaos II

there's something comforting about the unknown. there's no need to feel responsible for anything but yourself and the path beneath your feet. i came here expecting nothing and ready for anything. there was only one thing i knew for sure, and one thing i hoped for more than anything, that my good friend would be waiting for me at the station upon my arrival. late on a friday evening despite the throes of party night, there he was.

i wasn't certain about the situation or exactly where i'd be staying or for how long. like me many of my friends gravitate towards a transient lifestyle, and even when seemingly content could pick up and change course at any moment. that said, the prospect of a place to crash had existed but wasn't expected. and then after all, i was blessed with more than one.

it could be good karma, or good fortune, or the fact that i've been making a point to accept whatever situation i happen upon with an open mind and heart. some things start out shady, and end up cultivating lasting friendships with people you'd least expect, or a home in a place you'd have never found without a nudge in the right direction. being open and also ready, i know when to trust my gut. some decisions are made or called off based on a feeling, only to find later on how lucky i was for my choice.

in fact, that's how i've been making my decisions thus far. feel it out. when i think things i over think them until they no longer make any sense. but when the critical moment arises [and i never know when until it's time], i act, or react accordingly. good things are coming but i don't know what. the adventure is here and now. no matter where i landed i would have found it, but i'm glad i am where i am. blessed.

i'd opened my mind to finding what i seek on the ferry ride back to the mainland. after taking time to relax on the island i started to get a feeling something was waiting for me. i chose a date of departure and started my search right away. not long after, i had found, or rather was found by something that could perpetuate into one of the greatest opportunities for both learning and future independent ventures. and shortly thereafter, sifting through literally hundreds of ads, i found my place in the world. a tiny haven on the side of a hill where i can garden, read and rest. if all goes accordingly, i can make residence there this week.

my destination is in each step. i've learned something about myself. i need to always find the balance, the best of both worlds. i crave an anchor of stability be it a homestead or a hole in the wall, someplace that is mine. yet i require the freedom to adventure, to move along, to start anew. to unlock achievements in a new game, to open maps unstepped. finally, i've begun to pull it together.

today is a new day. a rainy one, but refreshed no less. i wonder what will happen next..

keep calm.

easier said than done. it's been a couple months since i 'retired'. of course i have a hard time sitting still, and a bad habit of constantly worrying about the future. i haven't been bored, that's for sure. there's always lots to do, learn, read.. enough to keep me engaged. after hanging out around my homie's flat for a month or so, i journeyed to the island to enjoy a 'vacation from retirement' with a friend.

she was house-sitting, and dog walking, for which i was invited to join her.. and that was about the extent of our worries. and of course which cheap sushi we would pick for lunch. well, she had homework, and i had that nagging feeling that i should probably be doing something about my lack of income. my intentions weren't to get out here and find a job right away.. i promised myself some time, by collecting my deferred profit money i'd be able to skip out on the nine to five for a few months and feel out whatever it is i want to do with myself.

it took a few days, but finally for a while i had forgotten what day of the week it was, what number, what month.. success. i had managed to keep calm long enough to just let things float to the surface of my mind from deep within. things i needed to talk over with myself [and with my friend] that needed air. things that i've been curious about but didn't know how to approach, what has really been bothering me, and what my priorities are. i had just enough time alone to feel it, and yet the blessing of the presence of another that reminded me of 'home'.

seems strange i suppose to take a vacation from being retired, but even retirement can be overwhelming with things to do and chores and choices to be made. i'm glad i took it, and took a moment to breathe. i'm back on the mainland now, and i feel more mentally organized than when i left. i know what i want to do [mostly], and now that i have a clue, i know what to ask for when searching for employment. time is worth more than money to me, but unfortunately to be a member of society where all the people live, money is required as well. i'm trying to align the best of both worlds.. i have some learning to do too.

back to the grind [sort of] today, i'm being bombarded with responses to flooding workopolis with my resume for some temp work. apparently i was anxious for nothing, it shouldn't be hard to find a job when i'm ready. for now, i'll see what these places have to offer that will benefit me and support my mission for a stress-less, more-healthy, fulfilling sort of life.