Selfish.

i suppose it's about time. it took me a really long time to realize [and a bunch of people telling me] that a lot of what i do with myself is to the benefit of others before [or at least as well as] myself. but i rarely just do something for me. examples? well...

just about everything... i travelled for myself, but i came back out of guilt. i share living accommodations, and when i do, most usually i consider everyone in the house's comfort and convenience before my own. i take the smaller [or crappier] room, i most usually end up cleaning up after more than just myself, and somehow assume responsibility eventually. maintaining rooming houses for my homies to have homes... even at work when i delegate tasks i give them to the people that i think would like them most and do the crappy jobs myself. when sharing meals i [used to, not so much anymore] accommodate to the others' taste regardless if the food would make me feel like crap. all that said, of course there's no regrets, some incredible lessons and experiences for sure. point is, i never woke up to all this until recently.

today a conversation with a friend really hit it home. "will you come back for Matt?" she asked about my leaving the province. my answer, no. no i'm not going to come back for anyone but myself. i'll be back when i'm done with that part of my journey. i've been doing so many things with other people in mind, i rarely think of myself. i've been so bogged down by guilt to even realize i have nothing to feel guilty about, and it's okay to do things for me sometimes. i am learning to love myself enough to take better interest in my personal well-being. what do i want with my heart? i'll do that. life is too short to daydream about the things i wish i was doing. i'm almost thirty now, and i'm glad it didn't take me any longer to figure it out.

the greatest part is, eventually, once i get myself figured out, i'll be in a way better position to help others. when i find my health, when i get into the field of work that has fully consumed my interests and dreams.. it will actually benefit those that i care about. and i'm on my way.

i'm glad i finally let go of the lifestyle that i have outgrown. it's not easy once you become comfortable. i used to hate the idea of working full-time 'for the man', and now departing from this way of life [though i'm excited] feels strange. i have no definite plans right now, and for right now that's what i need. lately opportunities and connections that i fancy have been coming to me, which tends to happen when i learn to let go. i always forget this until the next time. maybe now that i've written it down i'll learn faster.

so, that's it. this is me, doing stuff for myself. i will get healthy. i will get fit. i will learn to live and grow more things sustainably. then pass it on. each one teach one.

mid-july

it's been a strange summer. when the sun is out, the heat is intense. but otherwise, cool.
the sun hasn't been out as much as most summers. lots of overcast and rain. almost coastal weather..
not complaining, but it's strange no less.

i woke up this morning with a headache. not unusual i suppose, i've been getting them the past couple weeks. but today it was too much. i think the couple days of sun and humidity there got to me. i realized that i've been pushing myself pretty hard the past few weeks, and not sleeping. trying to get as much done as i can, and forgetting to rest. all of everything caught up to me, and i spent most of today in the garden or on the bed.

i'm glad that i got to see the first sunflower open. i was worried that i'd be gone already, as last year they didn't open til september when i was just leaving for Nova Scotia. they're huge this year, almost eight feet tall. i love them. i can't help but smile when i see sunflowers. some of the mammoth seeds were pushed into the ground the morning my mother passed, before i even knew that she was gone. only she was there with me..

i miss her. it's getting easier in the day-by-day, but those times that waves of emotions surface from the ocean within, there is no stopping their tidal force. some days i wish so much that she could see me now, that she could see me driving or taking off for the coast. sometimes i don't need to wish so much. sometimes i can feel her smile in the sun, her laughter in the wind.

one week left until retirement.

skywalking

i've been carrying my pack around lately. gotta get used to those straps again. the load is heavy at times, but that rucksack is my wings. time is moving at it's own pace. dissolving here and there. i have to keep a count to not lose track. i don't have many days left at my job. i'm glad to have an extended vacation, though i will miss my team. thank goodness for this futuristic communication technology.

opportunities happen when you accept what is. at least that seems to be what's happening to me. i get in these funks where i just don't care to acknowledge this, and things don't change. for years at a time even. and as soon as i accept, things change. it's not always easy, that's the problem.

i'm glad that i finally said yes to change.

i'm excited for the first day i don't have to wake up at any particular time to be somewhere besides my garden. i managed to book myself into driving school on every day i have off between now and the end of my employment, so i'll be kept good and busy until then. that first day though... either i'll sleep in, or i'll be up extra early to spend five hours in the garden before breakfast. whatever happens, it's gonna be good.

my packlist is coming together nicely. i decided that my laptop takes up far too much space in my pack, and it's too heavy.. so i'm having my netbook repaired. i have no idea why netbooks are no longer made, they're damn perfect travel computers. it's everything a laptop is minus the cd drive. who needs 'em! haha. anyways, so that's in the works as well. i shouldn't need many new things, i've accumulated a decent collection of various gear over the years. i had to update my footwear recently, but that'll be another post in itself. it's been a while since i've reviewed some gear, it's about time.

what am i getting at here.. i'm already drifting, somewhere but where i'm standing. it's becoming increasingly hard to focus at my job with all of this change on my mind. i pay my last rent, i receive my final paycheck. it's all happening, very soon. within the next couple weeks to be exact. my loot is finite. my attitude towards money and expenses has changed already. wants versus needs are defined. moments are more important than ever. the course of the day can be changed with a smile.

becoming transient

after 'sitting' so long, i'm a little nervous about not having a steady job and a fixed address for a while. i'm nervous about being truly and completely transient in my lifestyle, which is usually my preferred mode of existence. it's been too long is all, so i must transition slowly. i've started the process of scaling down before being on the move once again.

things are different this time. the last time i tripped around the countryside with a backpack, i didn't have much of an aim except to get away. i certainly don't regret it, i learned a lot of what i know from that journey. this time i'm looking to solidify the sense of transience in my life. if that makes any bit of sense. i've become used to being anchored, comfortable in domesticated life. i have unhealthy habits, do the same things often, i'm bored. not bored necessarily with the world around me, just my perspective of it. i long for the days that i miss this place, and become excited to return home. even if only for a little while..

i suppose that's the point. i'm getting back to my roots. the ones i grew myself, from the seeds planted in my mind by my mother. precious ideas like always have a plan b, and be ready for sudden change. be comfortable enough to call the countryside my home, and be safe.

two things i like having is a storage locker, and a gym membership. no matter what, i have somewhere to keep my stuff, and somewhere to shower. finding a place to sleep is an easier challenge, knowing that all my belongings are safe and dry for however long i need to leave them means a lot. i have both of these things already. i was sure to get a super cheap gym membership, only 20 bucks a month. that way if i leave for a few months at a time, i don't feel it's a much of a waste to reserve that membership.

i've decided that i'll keep the garage as a sort of home base here in my hometown. it's comfortable, and relatively inexpensive. there is room to sit and think or sort through my stuff or create something, and my gear is organized and stored in shelves and my mother's old dressers. no matter where i end up when i come back, i know there's a place in the heart of the city where i can sit comfortably and catch my breath. that way, regardless of what happens at the farmhouse while i'm gone, i know my personal belongings won't get caught up in the mix or left behind. there's always the possibility that one day these floods will get out of hand [i say as rainwater creeps under my feet] or that my housemates will decide to bail on the place for some other reason. i wouldn't blame them if they had to, but i wouldn't want the loss of some personal junk being a reason for any hard feelings.

one thing that has really come into perspective is just how much gear and clothing i've accumulated over the years. this is my first time really having everything i own in one place as opposed to being scattered between where i keep stuff and where i'm staying and some other friend's closet somewhere. i won't have to do any shopping for a while, when i wear through an undershirt or socks i know i have a surplus in the garage.

about the clothing.. i suppose one thing i've been taking for granted for a while is having a big ol' laundry hamper. it fits a few loads, and it's on wheels so i can drag it down the street to wash. i've gotten used to being able to just put on a fresh new entire set of clothes every day. sometimes if i get dirty enough at work twice a day, and by the end of the week i've got a couple loads. as a part of the scaling down process, i'm setting aside the things i really like to wear right now, and storing some in the drawers in the garage. i have to get used to laundry day fitting in a backpack instead of a 4 wheeled cart.

it's a kind of stress relief, really. having less and less to worry about right now. knocking expenses off the monthly budget list is nice too. the frightening part is knocking off the bi-weekly paycheck, something else i've come all too comfortable with. my savings will float me through a few months of expenses, but i'll have to find periodical or seasonal employment to keep chugging along. not that i'm worried about finding a job, just that comfort zone thing again. been in the same place a long while.

i have a few other resources lined up. i renewed my WWOOFing membership so that i can stretch my money while i learn new things and earn my keep on various organic farms out in the mountains. i have a backup job lined up in VanCity for when the time comes to rack up more loot. the reality of 'going home' is beginning to sink in. all in all, it's a good feeling.

finding time.

better today. i feel quite a bit of relief every time i figure out another step towards my freedom, towards retirement from the 40-hour a week, 49 week a year working-for-the-man lifestyle i've been [mostly] upholding for the past five years. it's just not me. i feel a bit more at ease working with finite timelines, projects that have a beginning that comes with an end in sight. as much as i love a good homebase to return to, i just as much enjoy being unattached.

i had to find some time in between working full-time and moving along to sort all of my affairs and deal with my worldly belongings. i've been anchored here so long there's been time to collect. barnacles on my vessel. and also, to sort my finances and collect funds from the various sources that pay out after quitting such a job, which will help get me a jump start on the next segment of my life.

it's a good thing i more or less have to quit early, because i was also hoping to find some time to spend some mornings in the garden. it's in the shade till noon, and it's the best time to get garden work done without roasting in the midday sun. working steady day shifts hasn't allowed me as many productive hours out there as i'd hoped for, this will give me a chance to spend quality time out back. waking up out in a tent beside the garden [sans alarm] will be nice for a few weeks too.

i'll have a chance to travel around the peninsula and visit varous friends i would not have otherwise found the summer-time to hang out with. i'll get to hang out with the person i've been attempting to share my life with for a good long while, but never get to spend time with due to working opposite shifts. we'll go on a few dates mayhaps, take a bikeride to the lake, cache some geos. i'll have time to take a few mid-afternoon naps, and read a good book or two under the tree.

for now i should probably look into getting some sleep. i have 161 working hours left before departure. the first set of which come early tomorrow morning, and i must prepare for the day! onward..