6 weeks later.. finally starting to ease out of the anxiety. it'd been building for quite some time over the winter, but intensified shortly after the reality of my mother's passing in May had set in. i knew that my entire outlook had changed, and that i was ready to choose a new direction, i just didn't know what i wanted to do. i'm still not sure i know exactly, but i'm getting a lot of good ideas.
i jumped on the first opportunity that aroused. i built a new resume, enrolled in driver's ed, and rented a small garage to use as a workspace. i had taken steps towards a change and as i was about to make it, i'd realized the anxiety was still there. it was just...different worries.
instead of being anxious about living paycheck to paycheck, i was worried about rearranging my schedule to accommodate shift work and overtime and very deeply become a cog in the machine. in exchange for a pretty penny of course. i'd have plenty of money to work with and save, but have to struggle for time to enjoy it. dedicate myself for at least a year straight.. would it be worth it? maybe.. but i want to feel better. i thought not worrying about money would help, but it's time i'm after. i decided on another direction all together.
first, i had to accept the idea of change. one way or another, it had to happen. i've been with the company i'm with now for years.. even quit and come back, and taken leave to travel, but it'd more or less become my home base. i've met so many great people over the years, and work with an amazing team right now. for the longest time the idea of leaving them all was out of the question. i had settled in. but if you know me you know, i'm never really settled.
once i started getting over the idea of leaving, different opportunities began to shine through. even ones that have been available for a while, i had just forgotten they were options until i was gently reminded. i'm free to go. i think i might just drift a short while first, catch up on some me time and visits to old friends. do some camping, hiking, rent a room and do some seasonal work, WWOOF on a farm or two, and spend Christmas on the coast. who knows yet really, i'll figure the path when it comes to my feet.
for now... a garden, and fresh pressed juice.