Friday, July 1, 2016

time to fly.

eleven hours from now i'll be at the airport. i wasn't really expecting to be going home any time soon. the circumstances i'm still having a hard time believing. the loss of such an amazing friend, father, brother to so many.. and husband to an equally amazing, loving wife. the two of them are one of a kind. i guess it was his time to fly. so i'm flying home to say goodbye.

or see ya later..

i'm at a loss for words really. what can i say? there's not enough words, or the right ones.. he was a gentle hearted fella with a warrior spirit. his love for life and his kids and his wife was always apparent and abundant. more than just a give you the shirt off his back kinda guy, the help you move with his minivan in a heartbeat kinda man [even if he could barely move himself].. he truly was a brother and a good friend to many hearts.

i'm often reminded of a conversation we had a good many years ago. i was telling him about how frequent and crazy vivid my deja vu experiences are. and how on the odd occasion i'd know something already that i could have never known before that deja vu moment. i asked him what it meant. i knew he'd have the kind of answer i was looking for.

he: so basically, those moments are significant somehow. a sort of sign that you're on the right path.
me: even when shit's fucked up?
he: *chuckles* even when shit's fucked up. i hate to say the old cliche, 'everything happens for a reason' but..
me: everything happens in it's time.
he: exactly.

i had a really strange and fleeting deja vu moment while talking with a friend about the garden and when i realized it, i recited the above conversation. i found out about an hour later he was gone.

so many incredible people have been taken from us in the past short span. it's hard to try and find the reason, or believe it was their time. but we are bluntly reminded not to take our days for granted. to love and live like any one of 'em could be our last. celebrate the small things. don't sweat the big ones. smile. have cake for breakfast every once in a while. enjoy all the good stuff this crazy life is made of.

rest easy papa Clay. we're gonna miss you man. we already do.
lots of love.


thank you to everyone who has extended a hand to get me home. thank you to all the kind folks who have sent funds to help support his family and take care of things in this time of incredible loss. your kindness is a blessing.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016


i love Wednesdays. it's hard work. playing in the dirt. the sun. planting, pruning, snacking, laughing.. making some decent loot. it's using every muscle in my body. lift, bend, dig, climb, haul. it's epic views. the smell of the ocean twenty feet from the shore. the rain up on the side of the mountain. since i moved to BC, it's been my favourite day of the week.

it's been my only constant. everything else has changed several times over. i've had four other jobs, lived in several places [or no place at all], had many friends come [close] and go [far, far away], experienced varying levels of health and sickness, love and loss, been ballin' and broke [especially the latter].. Wednesday was the one thing i could count on no matter the circumstance.

i want more. more garden time. more working for someone local and independent who actually gives a shit, rather than being a number in a box. something more fulfilling. something i can be proud of when i leave for the day. more hard work that feels like play. more outside with better pay.

i'm on the hunt.

the grass doesn't care what you dress like. the weeds give zero shits if you're having a bad day. head down, music on, and work the hours away. the arborscapes absorb my anger. the sweat always hides my tears. and when i have something to smile about, the flowers melt away my fears.

i need this for my sanity.

that and.. if i don't make something happen real soon, me arse be back out on the street. i have some leads. just gotta keep my shit together to make it happen. it's hard to get out of bed sometimes. to leave the house.. now that i'm in one. it's hard to maintain a balance. to not become anxious when it's time to walk out the door. to be confident the world won't crush me. or my mind or my heart..

but it's Wednesday tomorrow. my favourite day of the week. rain or shine. the soil calls me.


Saturday, June 4, 2016

no stress

pshh yeah right. i'm trying. realllly really trying not to stress. it's literally what's eating me. i've been on my own more or less since high school and i've always been really conscious of my financial situation and staying employed, even when i travel. i'm now in the worst financial state i've ever been in, and i can't really work full-time right now.

i broke the bank, and i broke meself. i can stretch the rest of my income from the spring to get me through til the end of this month, which works perfectly as i need the time to heal. but i pretty much need to find work immediately in July to keep a roof over my head, my shit in storage, and my credit in good standing. oh yeah, and like.. eat and stuff. and i'm having a hard time getting it out of my head so i can just relax and do what i gotta do.

i'm not typically one to worry too hard about a place to live, don't usually have one for long when i get one, evade leases like the plague. for right now though, in order to ensure i have a proper chance at getting my health back in order, i need this. i know it isn't going to last forever and i have no idea how long til it ends but i have to stop over thinking. it is what it is right now. i have a kitchen and running water and electricity that i can make use of in all the ways i need to to getr done.

spent the morning spending what little i have left right now collecting some the tools. i busted out the hand crank juice press and made a delicious mix of veg and fruit juice. probably the most satisfying thing i've sipped in a couple years. i forgot how much i loved this shit. healthy and delicious is a thing! went and grabbed a cheap immersion blender for all the soups, a big ass bucket to grow some sunflowers in, and some mason jars to seal in the freshness. i'm just about set for a relaxing, cleansing month of gardening, patio farming, juicing and healing my wholeness.

yeah i said that.

ultimately i'd like to continue this trend moving forward. i'm kinda done busting ass long hours just to get by. i'd rather just work enough to keep my shit in order, for someone who actually cares, and then spend a lot more time working for myself, and taking care of myself so i can take care of my loved ones and get shit done.

i'd like to make more headway into the lifestyle i've been dancing around all my life. i'm transient, i don't need much, and i love to grow things. next mission: tiny home [on wheels], space to grow, and time to live it. it's really all i need, and all i've ever wanted. oh and someone rad to live it with. that's a thing.

just live. stress free.

i can do this. i gotta write it out to psych myself up, and share it to commit. thanks everyone who reads this shit and kicks my arse into gear. if it wasn't for you cheering me on and checking in i wouldn't be here. literally. imma sit here with my green medicine, and worry about nothing else but the veggie soup stock i got rockin on the stove. work can wait. money can wait. the world can wait. me first. sorry not sorry.


Friday, June 3, 2016

repairing the vessel

ahhh that was a depressing visit to the doc. i'm in a little worse shape than i thought, but overall i'm confident i can fix this. to summarize, i need to give my system a boost and a really good cleaning before my innards decide to stop working completely. gotta cut out all the bullshit for at least a month to let myself recover. stress included.

lucky for me i kinda dropped out on that garden center job. i still have the gardening and hopefully enough incoming from the last couple weeks to float me until July. six days a week burnt me out in 3 months after being laid off [and stressing hard about it] for almost two months prior. i think the experience as a whole since last december threw me into survival mode for so long it wore me out completely. there's no way, right at this moment, i could go back to living out of a pickup truck and working labour jobs every day of the week, and busting ass in the woods that one day i have off. it'd kill me for sure. i need a minute.

sleep is key. i need to do more of it. the sketchy scheduling at the garden center threw me off. some days i'd start at 6am, others i wouldn't get off till ten at night. followed by a long hard day in the sun/rain/whatever landscaping. i need this time of working part time to recover my health so that i can ready myself to make some loot and enjoy what i've got. i'm no good to nobody if i'm dyin' or losing my mind. my full time job for the next 30 days is to get better. or get a damn good start on it at least. i know it's gonna take time, and a full out permanent change to keep me good for a while. i kinda want to stick around n see what happens so.. i'll do my best.

i have to stop worrying. anxiety is my enemy. i have to not worry for a minute that i won't find enough work to cover my ass when i'm ready. i have to not worry about the impermanence of my living situation and embrace the fact that i have what i have right now, and do what i can. i have stop worrying about things i can't change. i have a lot to be thankful for. and look forward to. and enjoy right now. there's no sense in this wrinkle in my forehead.


i dug out the old health n fitness blog. it needed to see the light of day again. i had to call myself out.... again. i did so back in december '14 when i realized i was slipping. and i did nothing to fix it. in fact i made it worse. go me. i rock at life. well i did once and i want to again so this be the mission.

got the hand crank juice press ready for the morning. can't locate the extra bits for my blender, and imma have to grab a few things hopefully cheap to get the ball rolling. i'll need a thermal lunch container of sorts to keep ma shiz cold and fresh, a case of mason jars, and a few jugs and bowls for prep. good thing i've done this a few times. sigh.

i choose to live.


Tuesday, May 31, 2016

sorry. thanks, too..

i don't even know where to start.

to all you amazing people who have been putting up with my ass while i fell to bits the last couple years, giving zero shits.. i'm sorry. and thanks. you know what for, you know who you are. i fucked up huge, i let myself slip.. emotionally, mentally, physically, financially.. i've been in pretty rough shape. well up to me neck in what-the-fucks. i'm sorry for losing my head. i'm still working on getting it back. sorry to the friends and fams i kinda stopped talking to, i felt i had nothing good to say. sorry for pissing and moaning about the inevitable given my choices. thanks for listening. sorry i've been a real fucking tool the past little while. thanks for loving me anyways.

now about that getting back to the better me. or moving forward rather..
i have one hell of a long path to wander.
but i'm on my way.

i know letting go is a big part of this. letting go of people on several levels, places, things... all the things. oh and the feels too. it ain't easy. especially when those people hold big chunks of your heart. especially when those places are/were the worldly homes of those people. especially when those things belong(ed) to them. and fuck the feels. there's that one thing i have no idea how i should feel about.. the truck. miss Sally.

when i used that there trust for the first time in a while, mixed with a little credit (no, a lot).. things got messy. go team. on one hand i know it was stupid to register my vehicle in someone else's name. i had given it away right then and there. on the other hand even if i didn't, i wouldn't be able to take it back just the same. i do have a heart, obviously. this way i have no choice. i let it go. what else can i do? same as the friendship with the person driving her. and the credit that bought her.. an all around unfortunate set of losses. i fucked up. or did i? guess i'll never know.

i had a hard time with my mother's ashes. i know it's just ash but.. i liked having that physical representation of carrying her. as i did all my life. i wanted to take her to the sea shore below the mountains and set her to the wind this past mother's day. two years that weekend. i lost my shit when i couldn't get at her ashes. i lost my shit even harder when i got my things back and found they were gone. i was off in the head for a bit over that one.

and the slanty shanty too. i miss that house. it was the first place i called 'home' here on this transplanting to the west coast. i squatted there a few times before i finally got a room of my own. unfortunately the friend who lived in there previously had passed on shortly after giving me the place. and that was a hard pill to swallow. so was being forced to leave, when it finally became [beyond] uninhabitable. a couple seasons of camping out and the odd couch it took before i could accept the possibility of a place to call mine. here i am, still sort of adjusting.

speaking of which, thanks to the lovely lady who took me in. an angel, in the flesh. for real. she truly lives up to her name. by supposed random coincidence, she saved the day. and i am so incredibly grateful. i have a home base. still do a lot of camping, by choice instead of necessity. kinda nicer that way.

anyhoo.. i owe a pretty big apology to myself too. dah.. i worked sooo freakin hard to get my health back before i moved out west. it's been on a steady down hill slide since shortly after i got here. i became complacent, i got lazy. i stopped giving a shit, really. i'm pretty sure i found about thirty of the eighty pounds i lost, my kidneys ache constantly and my digestive system refuses to move in the right direction at times. it's time to pay better attention to what i'm putting in me, and take better care of myself. again.

somewhere along the line i stopped believing i was worth it. more like i'm just passing time instead of serving a purpose so i just kinda said fuck it. i felt not so worthy of good things, good feelings... not like me i know. i'm sorry to me for feeling that way. time to pull up me socks and get on with it. i still have a panic attack every now and then, slightly less symptomatic of the PTSD the past month or so, most likely due to far less environmental triggers. having a home base helps immensely, even if it's just a shared flat. i feel like i can finally start to get back on my feet. and i'm taking full advantage of what i've got. i will find my health again. i will get my sexy back. i will not only survive this shit, i will thrive. i will not give up.

i'm thankful for this second [or fifth or sixth] chance at making it out here. in a lot of ways i'm not doing all too well, but in the most important ways right now, i'm doing a lot better. shit gets rough but i'm still in love with life. it never ceases to trip me right the hell out, and bless me with the presence of some crazy rad people. hella sweet views too. and i am eternally blessed to finally find some balance... or rather have the balance find me. thank you. so much.


Tuesday, May 17, 2016

careful wishes...

i can't even count how many times i've said it the past couple years...
careful what you wish for. it's like manifesting shit right outta the universe, so be careful how you word it, or of your intent.. something like that. anyways..

it was my birthday a couple few weeks ago. i received a generous giftcard in the mail to grab up some food and supplies for the weekend in the bush, and it was insisted that i grab a cake. candles a must too. birthday wishes, it's a thing.

so i did. the day was almost over, one hour til midnight before we finally sparked it up. i was procrastinating. what do i wish? what would i change?

i wished for a do-over. not completely, i never regret a thing, just.. some sort of fresh start knowing what i know. begin again from the beginning with the acquired wisdom of the past couple years out west.

suddenly, everything changed.

and i am truly blessed.

Friday, April 22, 2016

because we camp.

the first week in the truck was a little rough. we had to work out a routine pretty quick. with working nearly every day and several appointments we had to figure out how to organize the truck based on daily needs, and find places to park depending on how much time we had. a couple months in and we've pretty much nailed down a spot for every night of the week, our favorite being the weekend site up in the mountains. 

the area that we camp in is a long forested stretch along a popular fishing river. there's several spots to park and camp for the night, most usually inhabited by avid fishermen or rowdy teenagers. after spending our first weekend scouring the area, we found the perfect spot to call home. or so we thought.

it was pretty early in the season when we set up camp there the first time. it had appeared that the area was last used to burn garbage and shoot things, and that no one had been back for a long time. we decided to claim the spot and clean it up. it's far enough from the river that we wouldn't be in anyone's way intending to fish, and close enough to the road that we can back in at night. the view of the mountains is breathtaking, and the stars are plenty. 

the first few weeks we would leave for a while and return with our site untouched. we figured we had made a good selection seeing as no one else was using it, and made our base camp a little more permanent. we built a tipi for firewood to keep it dry, and a couple pieces of furniture. one weekend we had returned late at night in the rain to find that the pit was still hot, and all our firewood had been burned. it wasn't such a big deal except that we were kind of dependant on that stack to keep us warm for the evening, but the rest of our hard work was left untouched. 

the following weeks to come, we had slightly different welcomings. one weekend we had come up and the wood was gone including all the posts we had cut to build with, the furniture was smashed and there was garbage everywhere. lucky for them we never found out who it was. the kicker was a few weeks ago when we arrived to find our camp inhabited. 

fair enough, it's not really our land technically, so we pulled in just to see what was up. turned out to be one drunken asshole and his girlfriend. the place was trashed again, all our recollected shelter supports were cut and burned, along with several of the young living trees that had been recently planted. we intended to let them stay as long as they kept it clean and respected our camp and the forest.. turned out not to be the case. we told the guy we'd be back early the next day and would appreciate if he didn't burn any more of our work. he agreed that he'd leave as soon as they woke up.  

when we finally got back into our camp, it took the entire weekend to repair the damage and clean the place up. idiot managed to run over the fire pit (and one of our built stools) as he was leaving, so we had our work cut out for us. luckily my truck mate and I have a habit of making shit better. this time we left a note for the next people. it more or less asked whoever used the camp to respect the forest, not to litter, and kindly not to burn the shelter posts.

we figured it could go either way from there. people could show up and treat the area well, or people could come and tear it all down. we pondered on the drive up the following week on how it was gonna be. when we arrived, we discovered something completely unexpected. there was a sign. we could see it from the truck as we noticed the camp was left untouched. as we walked up to it we took guesses at what it might be regarding. possibly another 'no shooting' sign as the last one had gone missing. maybe some officials of some sort asking us to move along. we were wrong, in the right way.  

it was a sign welcoming visitors to the valley. "User Maintained Site". huh.. 'this area has been cleaned up by local volunteers'. and then advisories on keeping the place clean. our presence was wecolmed. later that sunday evening the fella who put up the sign paid us a visit. the local conservation authority dude himself. he was fully stoked on our presence and what we did to clean up and maintain the site. he said we keep out less desirable visitors that they often have to come and ask to leave or ticket. then we chatted an hour about local wildlife and the weather and the joy of being out in it.

that was one hell of a moment.